We all pile in the minivan knowing our destination is the last place we wanna be. I can sense the hesitation. We are all slightly uncomfortable in our seats, and it’s not because the car couldn’t be more crowded. It’s because we all know that a goodbye is our destination despite the name of the hospital on the GPS. The atmosphere is heavy with silence. Thoughts are running so rampant you can almost hear them clear as day. A car ride has never felt longer.
We’ve finally arrived at our destination. We all dreadfully stumble out of the car. Deep breaths and sighs stagger one another as we all face the multi floor building wondering which room our loved one could be in. After a few seconds we begin to approach the entrance forcing each step closer. My dad is the brave one who asks the nice looking lady at the front desk which room Noel May is in. He turns to us to pass on the details and continues to lead the way.
We begin down the hallway toward the elevator. This is beginning to feel real. We all know each other is hoping the elevator never comes so maybe we won’t have to face the hard reality of saying goodbye. The elevator dings and the doors slide open. Reluctantly we step inside to squeeze all seven of us in the small elevator going up to the fourth floor. The doors open again, but this time to a long hallway with rooms on each side. Before I know it, we’ve arrived to the room that the nice lady told us about just a few minutes before.
Everyone freezes. No one dares to be the first to say a thing or grab the handle to the room. We all look around at each other with fear in our eyes and anxiety written on our faces. I can see the tears that my mom is trying to hold back in order to be brave. My grandpa is the first to turn the handle and lead us into the room.
We file into the room as my uncle lying in his hospital bed comes into view. He is so apparently weak. But there’s something different about him since the last time we were in a room similar to the one we are in now. He smiles and immediately begins addressing us before any of us even say a word. The words coming out of his mouth are as if he is reading something he thoughtfully took the time to write. His words are beautiful and mesmerizing. Who says something like this knowing they are about to leave this world after fighting sickness for months? Every gaze in the room is fixed on the thin man whose skin is slightly discolored from chemo and who is hardly recognizable as the healthy, energetic man they once knew. The words he said will forever replay in my head…
“He said that He’s coming for me soon,
My God, I’m ready for You.
My soul is getting restless for the place I know I belong;
And I can’t wait to join the angels to sing my Heaven song.
I can already hear Him say ‘Well done my child,’
While tears of joy roll down my cheek.
I can almost see how beautiful it is;
I can’t wait to run on green pastures,
And dance on high hills.
I want to drink from sweeter waters in the morning chill.
My soul is getting restless;
And I can’t wait to join the angels and sing in the presence of the King.”
As he finishes his speech we don’t dare say a word for what feels like several minutes. Tears swell in all of our eyes. Every person is deeply moved by the words that were just recited. I don’t think anyone imagined this scenario looking like it did. We gather closer around the bed and each take our turn hugging him and tearfully saying our last words to him. He nods and accepts each word with a smile and a weak embrace. We then soak in one more time the sight of his smile and bright blue eyes, for we know we will see him again some day. I’m the first to open the door back into the hallway where fear of what’s next still stands. We file out similar to the way we did on our way in….
Not being able to say goodbye to someone you love is one of the most heart wrenching feelings. Thoughts of what you would have said or done flood your mind. Questions of why God would allow this to happen creep in. It’s been two years since my family and I didn’t get to say goodbye to someone we love before they left this earth. It was hard, painful, and it didn’t make sense, but the Lord has taught me so much about grief and how the Lord can use it for His glory.
I wrote this scenario to paint a picture of what someone’s response would look like if they knew they were close to heaven. Death is sad and leaves people here on earth with the absence of someone, but to be someone about to enter Heaven knowing their sick and imperfect body will be renewed and with the presence of God!! There is hope!! There is joy!! I can’t imagine the excitement.
I wanted to write my Uncle’s response based off of the song Heaven Song by Phil Wickham because it was the song played at his funeral. I remember listening to it on that day and imagining him saying the lyrics to the song. I pray this interaction of what it could have looked like if my family and I got to say goodbye gives you hope. I pray that it gives you permission to grieve and cry, but that it gives you hope knowing whoever you lost is dancing, singing, and playing with Jesus. They no longer are in the midst of a broken world but are made new in the presence of our Savior. And that is the hope we can cling to.
His love and mine,
Sadie
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N-k5z8oVv64
